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FOR IMMODERATE RELEASE
ESCOM AND BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED
TO PORT FAMED COMPUTER GAME
TO POWERPC PLATFORM
MUI 3.1-Based Port
Shocks Computer World
Chickenmilk, WI -- December 1, 1995 -- BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED, creator of
the ultra-violent BLAZEMONGER (TM) series of games, announced today that
the next version will run on the Power Amiga, Escom's upcoming
PowerPC-based computer. "Yes, we're aware that the computer doesn't exist
yet," said Bobby Blazebleeder, First Programmer and Death Lord of
BLAZEMONGER INC. "That's never stopped us before. We'll be finished in
about three hours. Then it will be Amiga Technologies' job to catch up."
The updated program, "BLAZEMONGER 961" (subtitled "Return of the
Skin-Peeling Kitchen Utensils of Fate") will feature the company's
trademarked cataract-inducing graphics, eardrum-piercing sound, and the
latest new development, "ScentSurround." Loosely based on the
similarly-named movie theater gimmick from the 1970's ("Sensurround" would
shake movie viewers' chairs at appropriate moments), the "ScentSurround"
system connects a thin tube from the Amiga's external floppy port to the
user's nose and mouth. At crucial points in the game, top-secret chemicals
are sprayed into the user's nasal passages. "You should see what people do
when they inhale dragon pheremones," said Blazebleeder. "No, on second
thought, you shouldn't."
Even stranger is BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED's announcement that the next
version of BLAZEMONGER will be based on MUI 3.1. "I can't believe it,"
said a stunned Harv Laser, Emperor-For-Life of the Amiga Zone on Portal.
"Who... who would have suspected that BLAZEMONGER's ultimate programmers
needed a GUI builder to help them code? Sigh. I have lost all my faith in
life and will probably sell my body to Atari for spare parts."
Jim Drew of Utilities Unlimited was quick to confirm that BLAZEMONGER would
definitely run under the "Q" operating system as well. (Rumor has it that
"Q" is based, at least in part, on disassembled BLAZEMONGER code.)
Other industry pundits take a harsher view. "I predicted over twelve
billion years ago that this would happen," chortled Mork Bannett,
editor-in-chief of "The Rag-On-Commodore Rag." "Blazemonger is a big phony.
I don't even think it exists, and here is proof." Unfortunately, our
interview was cut short by the timely arrival of the BLAZEMONGER "Customer
But it appears that BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED may have the last
thousand-decibel laugh after all. "Those WIMPFACE industry 'pundits' are
scared of their own 3-D shadows," said Blazebleeder. "'MUI' is really the
code name for our own, homebrew user-interface builder, MUTILATION USER
INTERFACE. It is far more powerful and MUCH more violent than the 'other'
MUI, MagicUserInterface by Stefan Stuntz. You want configurability?
MUTILATION USER INTERFACE lets you configure not only the appearance, size,
and location of every monster in BLAZEMONGER, but also the speed, memory
size, and number of processors in your computer! Just set the tooltype
'PROCESSORS=64000' and you basically have a Connection Machine
supercomputer for under a thousand dollars."
Escom is reportedly "pleased" about its new association with BLAZEMONGER
INCORPORATED. "They're pretty clever d00dz," said Dr. Peter Kittel,
Vice-President of Small, Furry Mammals at Amiga Technologies. "Their
developers located a serious bug that we'd missed in our beta version of
AmigaDOS 4.0. Rather than fix it, though, they actually rewrote the REST
of the operating system to turn the bug into a feature! That takes GUTS,
not to mention serious mental derangement."
Watch for "BLAZEMONGER 961" coming soon to a dealer near you!
| Dan Barrett -- Computer Science Dept, University of MA, Amherst, MA 01003 |
| http://www.cs.umass.edu/~barrett/public.html -- email@example.com |
Copyright 1995 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety. It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author. So nyaaah.