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YOU KNOW IT'S A WEIRD WORLD...
1) A happy litte face pops up when you startup and everything says
2) The diskdrive accesses and its a pleseant (sic) sound...... instead of
that whirrrr kirjgunck gzztz grinding noise
3) The speech tool develops a bad fit of giggles :)
4) The chips have had a falling out... on screen you see:-
Paula to Denise "Tell Gary Ive finished with memory location
Gary to Agnus "Tell Paula I Dont care, Im going to use 7F33
Paula to Agnus " Tell Gary to shove it up his blitter"
5) The ascii file you just spent two hours writing , mysteriously cant be
saved due to some obscure error..
6) The floor scrubber joke fails to rise a smile...... ;) OK Jason ?
7) Any time you mention Windoze anywhere the machine it sulks
8) You can find every single printer driver but the one you need, when you
give up and go do something else you find what your looking for and
youve managed to lose the text file you wanted to print in the first
place..... aka(Sods/Murphys Law #4)
9) The virus killer you just got, plays eerie music as it hunts for
viruses then stages an execution of the virus on screen in many ways,
perhaps a hanging or a beheading, maybe even an MKII move... But the
doc file makes no mention of this...... >:o (surprise)
10) The Guru message is accompanied by a text message to the effect that
you are a muppet for doing what you just did...... Ive seen this
happen...... Most Amusing...
The complete idiots guide to computers.... Part One
-- Computing Definitions --
Bit: The Thing which programmers go mad by
Byte: The best way to eat lunch
Reverse Engineering The code make more sense backwards
Ram What the progammer does with his head and a wall
when his code fails to execute for the Nth time
Rom Absent minded programmers
Direct Memory Access What happens when the lid is taken off the computer
in a fit of temper
Floating Point Computers dont float so whats the point
Hardcopy A printout to verify what you knew was wrong anyway
Urgent Data Needs It'll do tomorrow
Stack The pile of coffee jars in the corner
Daisychaining The process of forming a necklace of floppy drives
Hardware The bits left over after you've fixed the computer
CPU Robot in star wars
Peripheral Now you see it, now you dont...
Megabyte Its a big sandwhich.. OK !
Gigabyte Oh my god look at the size of that sandwhich
Terrabyte Christmas Dinner yummmm
Chaining A method of attatching a programmer to their desk
so more work gets done.
Buffer What you do with your sleeve/tie to clean the
I/O What you sign to get a mortgage---
I/O I/O so its off to work I go
Software A nice casual woolly jumper
Hashing Smoking a joint while your waiting for the data to
sort into alphanumeric order..
Binary We'll buy Nary a new computer later
Ascii A common phrase for those taking drugs
Hex Small grid for playing wargames on or
a dyslexic Nymphomaniac
Port Best drunk slightly warm
Chip Ram The bits that come off the programmer head when
hes ramming his head into the wall
Analyst Well it begins with ANAL so......
Monitor The thing that hurts when you drop it on your toes
Keyboard You'd be bored too if all people did was type on
FIFO Paging algorithim that governs Sensible World
Of Soccer (think about it)
SPSS The quickest way to drive someone mad....
MBO Mucho Bluffeeeng 'ombres
Hombre The next generation of Amigas... semi Legendary
Screen What programmers emit when their program goes into
yet another unbreakable loop
Scanner Tacky series of horror films
Smileys Sir Alec Guiness computerised....
Floppy The way programmers brains feel after last nights
Well its time to wrap this up now.... I'd just like to add
To all Readers of Amiga Report (and all floor scrubber fans), and to all
amiga users everywhere, have a peaceful and prosperous new year... I'd
like to wish whoever has the future of this fine hunk a'chips all the best
for the future and DONT BLOW IT THIS TIME !!!!!!