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  By: Mark Hemsath                          

Step 1:

   Purchase a nice new USR 28.8K Sportster(R) FaxModem even if you don't
need it since this will be the only relatively painless part of the
procedure.  Just don't forget to call the company at 1-800-543-5844 to
give them the serial number of the modem so they can send you the upgrade
chip it needs.

Step 2:

   Buy yourself a DKB 40MHz 030 Cobra accelerator card and follow the
included instructions for installation.  Now that you've satisfied
yourself that this thing simply will not fit through the belly slot as
claimed in the booklet that comes with card, do the following.  Go to the
kitchen and get sunflower oil, crisco, or whatever is handy.  Apply
liberally to edges of belly slot and edges of DKB Cobra.  If you're a wimp
about cleanup afterwards, purchase a can of Uncle Bob's Electronic
Cleaner, Degreaser and Salad Oil.  It evaporates within 24 hours, is
non-conducting, and is low in saturated fats.  Spend however many hours of
fun you think you can stand before realizing that this too is a snipe
hunt.  Mop up that mess you just made with some thick absorbent bread.
You should be hungry by now, so take a break and consume the cleaning
pads.  Save a piece for later.  Take the top off the 1200 and lift the
keyboard out of the way.  Juggle the board around through 16 impossible
positions and you will find that it is lined up properly with the edge
connector.  Scratch your head and push it home.  Do not remove for any
reason, even if it doesn't work.  Replace the belly cover and notice how
the card provides it's own ventilation by making the cover bulge outwards,
allowing free air circulation.  One less thing to worry about.

Step 3:

   Take two aspirin with a beer chaser.  Acquire a DataFlyer 1200S SCSI+
controller.  Go over the parts lists carefully as you will need to find
out which three or four things are missing.  Scrounge up some ad-libs from
the mystery drawer in the kitchen.  Follow the installation manual
substituting your improvisations when necessary.  Try to put your 1200
back together.  OK, so the keyboard presses the SCSI+ so much it pops off
the connector.  Take that piece of oil soaked bread from step 2 and wedge
it under the left edge of the controller to hold it in place.  Try the
reassembly again.  My bread just squeezed and oozed out of the way but you
may have more luck if you saved part of the crust.  Take your keyboard and
the top cover of your 1200 over to a friends house who has a band saw.
Sacrifice the Esc key and surrounding cover area.  Real hackers don't use
the Esc key but if you think you need it, remap it over to the Help key
since most programs don't make use of it anyway.  If you want to avoid
step 3 entirely, order the SCSI option for the Cobra board and you'll
probably have even better ventilation around the hatch cover.

Step 4:

   Take four aspirin with beverage of choice.  Now that your mutant 1200
has SCSI capability, let's add on a nice external HD.  Call the way cool
mail order house that supplied you with the above two leftovers.  Beg and
plead for them to install the HD in the external chassis for you since
it's obvious by now you don't know what the hell your doing.  By doing
this, you can have a feeling of righteous indignation when it comes in
separate pieces and completely devoid of instructions.  Assemble the
external chassis as best you can and set it next to your Amiga to impress
people.  Use the HD as a paperweight on your desk until the gods of mail
order find the hole your documentation fell into.

Step 5:

   Play with SysInfo for one week to convince yourself it was not in vain.
Self-induce a state of unconsciousness with whatever method is at hand.
Repeat until step 4 is complete.  Buy an A4000T when production of the
Amiga resumes.