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==                         The Humor Department                          ==

(We decided to bypass the Pentium jokes for now...)

                               COMPUTER LAB

1.  Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream
    "Oh my God!  They've found me!" and bolt.

2.  Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
    suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3.  When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that
    you can't get the damn thing to work.  After he/she's turned it on,
    wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half

4.  Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you

5.  Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different
    screen than the one it's set up with.

6.  Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
    highest volume possible over & over again.

7.  Work normally for a while.  Suddenly look amazingly startled by
    something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8.  Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
    Pentagon files.

9.  Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it.  If anyone asks why you have it,
    say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while.  Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at
    everything bad about your life.  Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab,undress, and start staring at other people as if
    they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk.  Offer $2.  Keep asking until someone
    agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." 

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required,
    pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!" 

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps
    if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
    hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
    Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it
    to your monitor.  Try to seduce it.  Act like it hates you and then
    complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it
    doesn't work, get the supervisor. 

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
    smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done
    (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely.  After doing
    this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person
    next to grinding.  Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke
    the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension,
    and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut
    them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your
    desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks.  Remove shoes and
    place them of top of the monitor.  Remove socks layer by layer and
    drape them around the monitor.  Exclaim sudden haiku about the
    aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer.  Type up your paper
    like this.  Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad
    working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and
    continue working.

32. Bring som dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat,
    the B key is F sharp, etc.).  Whenever you hit a key, hum its note
    loudly. Write an entire pape this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me,
    mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes
    the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until
    you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so
    your fill isn't affected).  Then look at your neighbor's keyboard.  Hit
    his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word.  While you do
    this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume
    hitting the space bar on your keyboard.  Keep doing this until you've
    deleted about a page of your neighbor's document.  Then, suddenly
    exclaim: "Well, whaddya know?  I've been hitting the space bar this
    whole time.  No wonder it wasn't deleting!  Ha!" Print out your
    document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it.  Go to the lab monitor
    and complain that your computer ate your disk.  (For special effects,
    put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive.  Claim that the
    computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled,
    burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly.  Keep laughing,
    grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen.  Chant in a made up language while making
    elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two.  Press return or the
    mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!"  peek up from under
    the table, walk back to the computer and say.  "Oh, good.  It worked
    this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online.  Send a total stranger a talk request.  Talk to
    them like you've known them all your lives.  Hangup before they geta
    chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
    effects.  Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil.  Start writing on the screen.  Complain that the
    lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
    flowers in your hair.  Smile incessantly.  Type a sentence, then
    laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. 
    Repeat this after every sentence.  As your ecstasy mounts, also hug
    the keyboard.  Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer
    assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then
    calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw,
    rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say,
    "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the
    next week". 

50. Two words:  Tesla Coil.