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%% The Humor Department %%
Harv Laser had an entertaining solution for the Commodore Buyout conflict.
"I think we should settle this by holding a no holds barred hot oil grudge
match monster truck slug'it'out between amor and pleasance in the seattle
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Who's bought Commodore?
1. Barney: The new Amiga's will have 16-bit sound, but will only play
"I love you, you love me...". It will have 16 million colors, but
all of them are purple.
2. Atari: The only company that can do *WORSE* than C=.
3. Sony: Unfortunately, all software is now shipped on MiniDisks.
4. Samsung: Your Amiga will now glow in the dark.
(Remember the Korean nuclear problem?)
Who cares about megabytes, when we've got megatonnes?
5. Me! Hey, if Irving can do that bad, I can't do any worse. :-)
6. Microsoft: A new chip will be added - the Bill chip, which sucks
money out of you. The operating system will now be dos only. A
$200 program will replace workbench, running on top of AmigaDos,
and attempts to multitask. When it fails, it will load solitare.
If you have 30MB of ram and a 1000 MHZ 68080, you can buy the
$500 program to replace the above programs.
7. Hyundai: Now you can drive your Amiga to work. Don't forget to park
the Hard Disk!
8. Lego: Playing with your Amiga takes on a whoe new meaning, and you
don't need to worry about running out of those blue connectors. :-)
9. IBM: They'll grant licence to everybody else, release an XGA Amiga,
remove the ZII and ZIII slots, (leaving the ISA, naturally) and then
there'll be a proliferation of self-conflicting, useless standards
that nobody cares about, and then you'll have to decide what type of
non IBM Amiga you'll buy.
10. GoldStar: The new machine will be GO-AMIGA which by itself is more
advertiseing that has been done in the last 3 years. A definate
improvement. Added to this marketing insight will be the cheap parts,
cheap manufacturing etc.
11. Sam Walton: Okay, fine he's dead, but either way, Walmigas would be
When you boot, a person will greet you and show you today's specials.
Here's where a certain manufacturer could learn a thing or two about
Service means more than one nice guy in the service department.
Hundreds of nice guys should be around to help you.
12. HP: Amigas will now have built in printers, so you won't need to worry
13. Apple: There will now be a new food group: Chips & Amigas. You can take
a byte out of your computer when you're hungry.
Got another buyer? Send it to me at Mark_Yovorsky@comnet.cbmtor.gts.org
Special thanks to Mark Brister, Bruce Gasson, and Calum Tsang for # 9, 10,
(Just fill in their names in my email address instead of mine to contact
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[Taken as-is...the joke wasn't quite elaborate enough to warrant a re-
*** "WINDOWS(tm)" *** MACHINE INDEPENDENT, DEBUGGED VERSION ***
WINDOWS is undoubtedly one of the most widespread user interfaces within the
realm of computer technology. Due to the success of the IBM PC (and its many
clones) in the past decade, a demand eventually rose for other means of
communication than the DOS prompt; something like the graphical point-and-click
interface of the Apple Macintosh would be "kinda neat", some people thought.
WINDOWS was the answer.
WINDOWS was capable of performing almost every DOS command without demanding
any mental effort from the user (however, a great deal of patience was needed,
because WINDOWS is so amazingly slow, that it is sometimes hard to tell if it
is doing anything at all (a small joke on the behalf of the developers,
"Kinda neat", people said. "Look, my PC has a GRAPHICAL USER INTERFACE with
MOUSE POINTER and STUFF", people said, not realizing that virtually any
other system already had the same (like with graphics and sound cards, by
the way). "Kinda neat", the RAM manufacturers thought, knowing that WINDOWS
would create an instant and excessive demand for RAM, or else it would refuse to
run. "Kinda neat," Bill Gates thought, "I think I'll pretend that this is my
invention and make another billion". And so he did, although the whole lot is
ripped off from the MAC OS Finder & Amiga OS Intuitution. "Kinda neat", Intel
stockholders thought, "people will actually BEG us for faster processors". "Kinda
neat", the hardware dealers thought, "if we get them to believe that this thing is
a "must",then we will see them again upgrading in the near future!". And if a few
bewildered sheep actually failed to see the neatness, there was advertising
a lot of it! And so, in spite of the sacrifices as for processor power
and RAM, and the total lack of multitasking, people were happy. They were
all happy. The emperor had got his new clothes.
Now, why do you need this system? BECAUSE this is NOT the official WINDOWS
from Microsoft, but an improved (yet compatible) version. In my effort to
disassemble the PC-version, I stumbled upon some minor flaws, which I have
done my best to correct when converting it. The program is written in assembler
for improved speed and efficiency, and as an extra bonus, the program doesn't
take up quite as much precious HD space or RAM as the original. The program
is written for Amiga, but even for some PC-users, it may be an advantage to
assemble the included source code and replace the old WIN.EXE file. So why
do you need this system? Here is why:
[*] It does just as much as the original WINDOWS, yet it is very much faster.
[*] The familiar WINDOWS feel is still there (as skilled programmers will tell
just from a quick glance at the code).
[*] All bugged and obsolete routines have been removed, which saves a lot of HD space.
[*] Uses less RAM than the original and instantly gives it back upon exit.
[*] It is machine independent, just assemble and run on virtually any processor.
[*] Benchmarks from the C64 show it to do just as much good as Microsoft WINDOWS
[*] on a PC486 --- only it is slightly faster!
[*] Thorough documentation of all advanced features.
[*] The full, commented source code for you to study and improve upon.
;Begin Windows(TM) Sourcecode
;End Windows(TM) Sourcecode
Talking about value for the money! Therefore, I see absolutely no reason for
you to discard this piece of quality software. You will be using one of the
most popular operating systems in the world, and you will not regret it.
This program is the product of years of hard labor, but I have decided to
release it on the free market, anyway. If you use this program and you like it,
please note that it is BANANAWARE. To become a registered user, you must mail
a banana with your name to the queen of England in Buckingham Palace, and
within three weeks, you will recieve a registered version on a disk signed
by the queen herself. Also, it is strictly forbidden to run this program on
any machine involved in the production of anything containing pineapple.
This also applies to persons, who are involved in the production or
distribution of pineapples or who have relatives working with pineapples.
I really hate pineapples.
A special rule applies to commercial software distributors. You are NOT
allowed to distribute this archive without the prior, written consent of
the PKK, the Khmer Rouge, Allan Cowboy, and Che Guevara (that was the catch).
v0.9 (never released). A fully working version, but a little slower than
I had hoped.
v1.0 (this one!). Weeded out the last remaining, obsolete routines.
Removed two NOPs to gain speed.
In the near future, I hope to be able to add some additional graphics
(just for the kinda neat look of it), however I hope to be able to preserve speed.
Maybe some optimizing of the main programme to gain even more speed
(I already have a few ideas).