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%% Message from BLAZEMONGER                          by Daniel Barrett %%
%%                                          barrett@gleep.cs.umass.edu %%
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BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED'S statement on CBM situation

   By now, we've all heard the sad news about Commodore.  Since the
announcement, we at BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED have been bombarded with 
calls, letters, e-mails, rotten tangerines, dismembered weasel carcasses,
etc., all asking the big question:  "What is going to happen next?"  Well,
here is some news to dispel all those nasty rumors and set your minds at 
ease. Unless you're one of the dweebs who threw the weasels.  We've got a 
surprise in store for YOU.  Heh heh.

   And now, as a public service, BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED proudly
presents the TRUE ANSWERS to the most pressing questions that have been
rattling around in our tiny little brains for the past few weeks.

Q: Is Commodore dead?
A: According to Ron Nibbly, head of our "Legal Department", Commodore
   has "filed for bankruptcy under Bahamian Law.  This is a highly
   technical process which consists mainly of filing several hundred
   legal documents and then drinking oneself into a stupor on a sunny,
   tropical beach."  (Hence the term, "voluntary liquidation.")  So no,
   Commodore is not dead:  it's blind, staggering drunk.  Except for the
   Marketing Department, which amazingly is going to turn a profit this
   quarter.

Q: Is somebody going to buy Commodore?
A: Yes, absolutely.

Q: I heard that Samsung is buying (or considering buying) Commodore.
   Is this true?
A: No.  This ridiculous story began on USENET because of a network
   glitch.  A bunch of people in c.s.a.advocacy were talking about the
   Massachusetts-based Free Software Foundation, the makers of GNU
   software (gcc, emacs, etc.).  Somebody's network node hiccupped, and
   the letters of "GNU MASS" got rearranged to spell "SAMSUNG".  Yes,
   it's true.  Amazing how rumors start, eh?

Q: Oh yeah?  Then who is going to buy CBM, Mr. Smarty Pants?
A: We at BLAZEMONGER INC. have direct access to the most up-to-date,
   secret information about the impending purchase of Commodore.  Ten
   or fifteen vendors are currently battling it out, and Commodore will
   apparently go to the winner.  Nobody knows for sure which vendor
   will emerge victorious, but BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED is betting on
   "Bob's Bait 'n Tackle."  This popular fishing supply store in
   Chickenmilk, Wisconsin, hopes to get the rights to the AAA chipset.
   According to the owner, Bob "Bob" Bob, "them there Super Duper Agnes
   chips done make a excellent bait fer catchin' all kinds 'o fish."
   If he wins the rights, Bob plans to license the technology to other
   vendors if they can successfully answer a 15-question quiz about
   mackerel.  Anyone wanting more information can write to Bob at
   bobbobbob@fishnet.bnt.com.

Q: Where is Irving Gould now?
A: Having recovered from his beachside "liquidation", Irving has
   retired and moved to Skink City, Iowa, where he has opened up a PC
   clone dealership.  Reports say he sold 8 computers this month and
   somehow managed to pull in a $1,400,000 salary.

Q: And where is Medhi Ali?
A: We're offering him a job as a punching bag for the "Customer
   Service" department.

Q: And for THAT matter, where is Sue West, our favorite ex-CBMer whose
   bulletins used to grace the comp.sys.amiga.announce newsgroup?
A: After her unfortunate dismissal from CBM during one of the last
   rounds of layoffs, Sue vanished from sight, but we managed to track
   her down.  It turns out that as Sue was leaving CBM for the last
   time, she was mistaken for someone else, abducted, and committed to
   the West Chester Home For The Mentally Wacky.  Fortunately, we at
   BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED were able to negotiate with the doctors
   there and get her out.  Actually, we just sent a few helpful
   "Customer Service" folks to the Home carrying a big sign that said
   "FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE."

Q: Will BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED continue to support the Amiga?
A: Yes, definitely!  We will continue bringing you the finest
   ViolentWare (TM) products on the planet... and then some!  Next
   week, we'll be releasing BLAZE-MELTDOWN, a new "simulation" type
   game in the spirit of Sim City, Populous, etc., but not like those
   WIMPY TRASH PSEUDO-GAMES.  In BLAZE-MELTDOWN, you get to simulate
   the operation of an actual nuclear reactor.  The feeling of realism
   is intensified by forcing your computer monitor to emit FIVE
   THOUSAND TIMES its normal amount of RADIATION.  We are sure that
   you will have an exciting reaction to this explosive new product.


   Well, I hope this article clears up some of the LIES and
MISINFORMATION floating around the Net.  More should become clear as the
weeks go on.  And if not, we'll be happy to "clarify" some more. :-)

                                                        Dan


ps:     Thanks to Dense from IRC for preening my pet basilisk, "Boinky".

---
Copyright 1994 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.