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/// Another Moronic, Inane and Gratuitous Article
By Chad Freeman
Well, its once again time for your irregularly-appearing moronic, inane
and gratuitous article (yay!). I have to admit to you folks, its
getting harder and harder to be funny about a dying computer platform.
Commodore is in pretty dire straits at the moment, and while I've ridden
out worse storms than this one, it never puts me in a good mood. Its
because, like most of the Amiga users out there now, I am not just a
user, I'm a fan. I think that's what seperates people who own an Amiga
from other platforms with less personality. And lets face it, the Amiga
has lots of personality. From Guru Meditation Errors to Video
Toasters, the Amiga is platform that stands out in today's drab world of
look-alike, act-alike carbon-copy machinery. Of course, that's the
Amiga's biggest drawback as well as its biggest asset. The advertising
slogan that most truthfully describes our favorite machine is "The
Commodore Amiga. Its Kinda Wierd."
Which brings us back to this article, which is REALLY wierd. The AMTL
(Amiga Mis-Testing Labs) has been busy recently with its move to the
Love Canal, but 5 moving vans, 13,204 boxes and approximately 1 million
searth-friendly packing peanuts later, they have finally nestled in to
their new quarters and are back to mis-testing the latest hardware and
software for your Amiga. Watch for a report soon from that wacky crew
(Hi Moe, Larry, Laverne and Charlie! How's the glow down there?). In
the meantime, I would like to present to you a special interview with
someone very high up in the Commodore chain, who has never granted an
interview before, and appears here only on condition his identity is not
revealed. What he has to say is shocking, so pay close attention. And
now, here it is...
THE AMIGA INTERVIEW WITH SOMEONE REALLY HIGH UP IN COMMODORE
AMIGA: So what should we call you?
SRHUIC: Call me Deep Pockets.
AMIGA: OK, Deep Pockets, you hold a position very high-up in the
Commodore organization. What exactly is going on there nowadays?
DP: Well, as you know Commodore is in a bit of trouble right now.
But I am here to reassure everyone here that Commodore will soon be
making a big announcement that will brighten everyone's hopes for
AMIGA: Can you give us some hints as to what that announcement will
DP: No, but I can say there was an interesting report on the UPI
wire this week about a new Japanese development. Apparently the
Japanese have invented technology to turn sewage into sausages!
AMIGA: Uh, WHAT?!
DP: That's right! Now I can't say what this has to do with Commodore,
but there's definately a relation between the two!
AMIGA: Umm, OK. Well, what new developments on the _computer_ front
does Commodore have up its sleeve?
DP: Well, the crack, highly-paid Commodore Engineering Staff is
working on some exciting new products, and THOSE I can tell you
AMIGA: Please go on...
DP: Well, the Amiga has turned out to be a computer that can
emulate almost any other computer out there, right? Well, with
that kind of ability, one doesn't really NEED AmigaDOS to sell
these machines, right? So, the Commodore Engineering Staff is
now working on the Commodore Emulator Machine (CEM), an exciting
new platform that we think will sell in the hundreds!
AMIGA: Uh, why wouldn't people just buy the other machines? They
usually run better than the emulators (although the Implant is the
exception, see the AMTL report a while back!).
DP: Hmm, uh, well, umm, oh, heck. Hold on a sec, I have to use the
DP: Ok, I'm back. Well, anyway, aside from the recently discontinued
CEM, our crack Engineering Staff has also been working on an
exciting new games console, the VT^32!
DP: Yes, the CD^32 was just at too high a price point for most consumers,
who aren't willing to pay more than about $150 for a game machine.
So we looked for ways to cost-reduce it even further. We thought
about selling it without the controllers, documentation, plastic
case, box, power cord, and solder, but then I came up with a
brilliant concept; replace the CD player with a videotape player!
Who needs niceties such like random access? We'll give it to 'em
for $60 and they'll eat it up!
AMIGA: You're a looney!
DP: But wait! There's more! We're changing our name! We will no
longer be Commodore Business Machines! Instead, we'll be Internal
Brighteyed Numbercrunches! IBN! People will just think its a
misprint of IBM and buy our machines in droves! And we'll put a
little plum with a bite out of it on the box! And advertise our
machines as 100% IBM compatible, and say in small print (with
seperate computer)! I'm a genius! I love myself! I'm good
enough, I'm smart enough, and darnit, people LIKE ME! I'll make a
billion! I'll make a trillion! I'm AWESOME! Hey, where's that
guy with the middle-eastern sounding name that I can never remember!
I've got to tell him about my new idea, Commodore Commodes!
HAHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHEHE!!! I'll show you yet, mom! I CAN be on my
(At this point DP ran out of the room, laughing uncontrollably and
leaving a trail of drool in his wake).
Well, there you have it folks. I don't know about you, but IG, I mean,
DP has reinstilled my faith in Commodore as a business powerhouse. See
you next time!