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/// Another Moronic, Inane and Gratuitous Article
By Chad Freeman
Well folks, I'm back! That's right, after a few short weeks in
that hot vacation spot some people call "The Love Canal," your fearless
humorist has returned with yet more inanity to dull your senses. But
first, I have something quite serious to discuss. You see, the reason I
have been absent from these hallowed halls for so long is that I was
afflicted with the oft-times fatal disease of "RPGitis." Yes, that's
right my bit-buddies, I had to check myself into the Gary Gygax Clinic.
I am not ashamed of my condition, and the people at the GGC were very
nice to me. However, during my tenure in this institution (it was a
rough time with nary an Ultima game in sight) I realised that many of
_you_ suffer from this very same disease, yet can't afford the expensive
program at the GGC (thanks to my superb benefits package from Amiga
Report, I was covered). However, since the GGC's program is covered by
strict trademark laws, I am not allowed to share their ingenious
treatment style with you. So I just threw together a cheesy one of my
own and called it...
THE AMIGA RPGITIS TREATMENT (originality is not allowed in this program)
The AMIGA RPGitis Treatment is a 13.2 step program.
Step 1. Want to be cured. This means you should send every
role-playing game you own to me, Chad Freeman, Box AMIGA, Johnstown, PA
15907 (for safe keeping). And that includes that copy of Faerie Tale
Adventure you have squirreled away with the christmas decorations
Step 2. Talk about your problems with a friend (WARNING: due to the
nature of your illness, you may not have any friends. In this case,
stay up late and call one of those 976 numbers for someone to talk to.
Then stay tuned next biweek for The AMIGA 976-ITIS TREATMENT).
Step 3. GO OUTSIDE! Yes, there is a real world out there! No, you
don't need to take a sword or any healing potions. Find something to
do. Go to a park, a play, a movie, a concert, anything. It is vitally
important, however, that you participate in some form of social
interaction. You ARE a social animal!
Step 4. Buy some new clothes. You'll never get a date dressed like
something out of a cheesy 80's rock video. You've been isolation for
quite a long time, and the world has _not_ waited for you.
Step 5. Read the newspaper. You must continue to come in touch with
reality. Also buy recent books (no sf/fantasy!). Try and find a hobby
that doesn't involve electronics. You'll need some other interests (and
possibly the newspaper's personals) for the next step.
Step 6. Ask someone out on a date. That's right, it's time. You'll be
rejected for about a year or so, but keep repeating steps 3 through 6
until you've become normal enough to warrant the attention of a member
of the opposite sex.
Step 7. Develop a relationship. Believe me, nothing will kill your
time more than being involved with someone. Finally, you care about
someone other than the little cartoony-looking guy in Secret of Mana.
Step 8. Move out of mom's house. Sure, she'll miss you, but you're way
too old to be living there and its time you got on with it. Besides,
part 7 is hard to do if you're both living with your parents (and anyone
interested in you probably is).
Step 9. Get a job. You're on your own now, possibly supporting a
live-in. You need some cash. Don't worry, its real easy to save money
when you're not plunking down 70 bucks a pop for the latest RPG.
Step 10. Get married. There's no chance of you even _looking_ at an RPG
now that your spouse owns half of your assets.
Step 11. Have kids. Remember that money you had squirreled away in case
of a relapse? You just spent it on a "My Size Barbie!"
Step 12. Now that you've settled down and gotten a good job, start
putting aside some savings, making smart investments, etc., in preparation
for the next step.
Step 13. Send all of your money to me at the address in step 1 for
bringing you out of your hermit-like state, getting you a spouse,
bringing joy into your life, and generally being a nice guy.
Step 13.2 This is the abbreviated version of The AMIGA RPGitis
Treatment. Simply complete steps 1 and 13, and you're cured!
Well, I hope this helps all of you RPGitis sufferers out there as well
as the GGC helped me. For most of you, I would recommend the
abbreviated version, unless you have no money, in which case follow the
whole plan. I should mention one detail, step 13 is a lifelong
commitment, not just a few bucks once you've reached the end of the
program. Good luck to you all, and I'll see you again in two weeks!