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/// Another Moronic, Inane and Gratuitous Article
by Chad Freeman
(email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org -- Internet)
This week I'd like to take some time out from the usual inanity of this
column and take a more serious bent. Just kidding! This week's article is
the usual bunch of content-free assorted silliness that you skip over every
other week. Really, though, you people just don't realize the amount of
effort it takes to spew out 500 words or so of absolutely MEANINGLESS drivel
every week (last week's article was proof of that)! And that's not all, it
has to be useless commentary on the AMIGA, a non-mainstream computer soon to
be a major game machine. In order to give you a better impression of the
blood, sweat and tears your humble author endures every week to bring you this
finely-honed journalistic work, I have decided to inflict you with...
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN A.M.I.G.A. COLUMNIST
An AMIGA columnist begins each day with the first rays of sun shining
through his window. Fortunately his window is situated such that the first
rays of sun don't show up til around noon. He promptly jumps (ok, well,
slowly rolls over a half-hour period) out of bed and, after his morning (well,
afternoon) ritual, settles down with his coffee and newspaper. After glancing
through the paper for an Amiga-related article and finding none, he flips to
the funny pages to see what comic is attempting to be politically correct this
week. Your intrepid AMIGA columnist then begins his day, plopping down on the
couch to watch whatever channel his random finger-pressings land him on.
After about 8 hours of this stimulating activity, he stumbles into the
kitchen for his evening meal. This usually consists of something quickly and
easily prepared (so as to fit into his tight schedule), such as frozen pizza.
Well, ok, almost exclusively frozen pizza. And Pink Swimmingo Kool-Aid.
Anyway, after dinner begins the creative period of your author's day, during
which he participates in rigorous mind-stimulating exercises in order to
formulate the ideas that show up in this article. In other words, he plays
Super Nintendo for a few hours. Now mentally primed for work, the author sits
down at his computer to search for the germ that will become the weat of his
article. Finding none, he proceeds through the various stages of
article-writing: panic, despair, denial, acceptance, procrastination. Since
these past ten minutes have been a stressful time, your humble writer retires
early in order to get plenty of rest for his next day's work.
'Gee,' you're saying, 'that's pretty inane!' OF COURSE IT IS! This is
an moronic, inane and gratuitous article, and you don't get a moronic, inane
and gratuitous article by being witty, intelligent and effluvient, do you? Of
course not! Its like thinking you'll get rich buying Commodore stock! These
things just don't happen. But hey, count your blessings. If it weren't for
this moronic, inane and gratuitous article, something even MORE moronic, inane
and gratuitous would be taking its place. And is it not this fear that keeps
our entire societal structure cohesive? Therefore, moronic, inane and
gratuitous articles such as this one actually form the glue that holds our
fragile relationships together! So, next time you're reading something
moronic, inane and/or gratuitous, stand up, put your hand over your heart, and
sing loudly to anyone around 'God Bless America' to pay tribute to the
wonderful entity called the media which was able to bring you a thing as
grand as THIS VERY ARTICLE! Thank you very much, and send all of your cash,
major credit cards and first-born children to:
The God Bless Moronic, Inane and Gratuitous Articles Fund
-32.5 We're Right You're Wrong Blvd.
Bible Belt, USA 00432
Until next week!