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/// Another Moronic, Inane and Gratuitous Article
by Chad Freeman
(firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com -- Internet)
(cfreeman -- BIX)
THE A.M.I.G.A. FALL PREVIEW
Well, its fall again, and you know what that means. That's right, the
summer doldrums of T.V. reruns are over, and the fall doldrums of new series
have begun. And what a better place to talk about the new season than in a
moronic, inane and gratuitous article? So, with further adieu, here are my
picks for the best and worst shows of the season.
BABY-LEN 5: Yes, that's right, yet another spin-off of Look Who's
Talking hits the small screen. The twist is that Lenny can only think five
words, 'Mama, Hypoglycemia, Tesseract, Kumquat, and Cyndicrawford,' but
unfortunately after the first three minutes of hysterical laughter as Lenny
tells his hypoglycemic mother where to put the kumquat, its all over for this
show. The only reason to watch is the awesome special effects. In fact,
EVERY scene is generated ENTIRELY by a network of 5,000 Amigas with Screeching
Video Cement Mixers installed. Needless to say, this saved TONS of money on
cast, crew, equipment, etc., while also purchasing twice as many Amigas as
were sold in the United States in the past three months. For that reason
alone, I give BABY-LEN 5 a whopping 5 gurus!
SEE-QIX RBG: Finally, a show for all of us closet Qix fans! See-Qix RBG
(the RBG stands for Really Boring Game) is 30 minutes of Qix action on the
small screen! Yes, that's right, you get to watch the likes of Peter Falk,
Axl Rose, and Dave Haynie playing Qix each and every week! I must say, I was
thoroughly impressed by this show. A special version of Qix was programmed
especially for the Amiga and Video Char-Broiler, complete with flying logos
and a special 3-d board! See-Qix RBG gets a big 4.131519 gurus!
ANIMORONIACS: Weiner Brothers' and Stephen Spillburg's new show is
apparently supposed to be some sort of replacement for Tiny Toon Adventures.
IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. -3 gurus (and we want more Tiny Toons!).
NHPD BLUE: The newest series from Steven Botchedup has been billed as
'pornographic' and 'the first R-Rated TV show.' It takes place in New
Hampshire, one of the most BORING places in earth (New Hampshirites, please
direct all comments to ROB_G@delphi.com :-), and that's why they have to put
lots of sex, nudity and foul language in it. Since this reviewer really
_likes_ that kind of stuff, NHPD Blue gets 4.7 gurus.
FLOOSIER: That's right, the infamous Floosier Crane, that wacky
cross-dressing manic-depressive from Cheerios is back with his own doomed
spin-off show! Floosier's antics are typically inane, it feels like Cheerios
without the bar. Be sure to pass this one up, even if you have to watch opera
on PBS to do it. -10 gurus.
THE JON CROQUETTE SHOW: The man from Lite Court has also landed his own
series, but refreshingly, this show doesn't leech off of a previous series
like some other unnamed sitcoms. Jon really shows his acting versatility in
this show, playing one of those guys who work in the bathrooms at fancy
restaurants. His antics with the shaving cream are particularly funny. Check
it out! 3.9 gurus.
"SHOT BY THE BELLHOP: THE COLLEGE YEAR": ACK! GACK! PFFT! SPPFFFFT!
YUCK! PTOO! GAG! RETCH! -infinity gurus!
Well, there you have it, AMIGA's picks for the best and worst shows of
the season. As an indicator of how accurate our ratings are, last year's
"best" picks corresponded with emmy-winning shows exactly 0% of the time,
which means we're really on target, cause none of those shows people like ever
win an emmy, do they?