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/// Another Moronic, Inane and Gratuitous Article
by Chad Freeman
(email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org -- Internet)
(cfreeman -- BIX)
A.M.I.G.A. presents an AMTL (Amiga Mis-Testing Labs) review of:
IMPLANT by Jim Drieux
IMPLANT is a general-purpose emulator board that is supposed to emulate
everything at some nebulous point in the future. As of this writing
however, the only emulation availible is for the timex Sinclair 1000. The
version of IMPLANT used for this review is the IMPLANT 1200 (beta version)
with IMPLANT software version 9993.456 rumdinger. AMTL received this card
after several letter-bombs and phone threats to Jim Drieux's personal
residence. We thank Jim very much for his prompt response (and yes, we will
release your daughter). Since this is a beta version of the IMPLANT 1200,
none of the following information will even be remotely accurate, but its
this kind of rumor-mongering that sells magazines, as we all know, so on
The IMPLANT 1200 measures .34 hogsheads by 16 rod-acres by -9.2 bushel-feet.
This makes it very awkward for anyone who has the Cray II board
already installed in the PCMCIA slot of the Amiga. However, we found that
taking a hack-saw to the IMPLANT board and using the transporter to
metamorph the Cray II board into the shape of an ostrich not only allows
both to be used in the 1200, but also improves the MIPS on the Cray II board
by a factor of 10. Unfortunately the droppings from the Cray II board are
quite smelly, but this is a small price to pay for the power of both boards.
After the above modifications, the IMPLANT board easily fit into the PCMCIA
slot. Unfortunately the documentation does not mention that once installed,
the IMPLANT 1200 fuses itself into the slot, and can only be removed by E.T.
with his little light-up finger doodad. Jim has been contacted about this
problem and assures us that the final version will be removable not only by
E.T. but by simply buying a new 1200.
Once the actual board is installed, one must go through an extensive 2
month software installation process. AMTL recommends a rigorous cross-
raining course before this process, as it can be quite draining. The
software also reconfigures your computer in such a way that, when turned on,
a small electric shock is generated in Bill Gates' office chair. If enough
people buy this product, A.M.I.G.A. has promised to sponser a "simultaneous
turn-on event," which will hopefully provide enough voltage for Mr. Gate's
teeth to fall out. Anyway, once the installation is complete, the product is
almost ready to boot up. First, however, one needs to acquire a working
Timex Sinclair 1000 (or Casio data-bank watch, which uses the same
technology), rip the ROMs out, and plug them into the IMPLANT. After
checking several states, AMTL finally found a Sinclair 1000 being used as
a paperweight in a garbage disposal company, and installed the ROMs. We were
ready to boot up.
IMPLANT fully multitasks with the A-MAX cartridge, but unfortunately not
with the Amiga operating system, except on the third Tuesday of every month
with an A in it. This is an inconvenience AMTL would like removed, but we
understand the extensive technology involved and are more than happy to
settle with this restriction. After practising the voodoo rituals described
in the manual, AMTL booted up the IMPLANT. Several days and a few million
killowatt-hours later, we were presented with the completely unfamiliar
Timex-Sinclair startup screen. Unfortunately, the text of the screen was in
Hebrew. Upon contacting Jim, AMTL learned this is an unfortunate side-
effect caused by our Timex' ROMs not being spin-cycle clean. Running the
SPINDRI program rectified the problem, and left our computer smelling
April-Fresh. After rebooting and once again seeing the unfamiliar Timex
screen, but in English, AMTL sat around aimlessly for hours, wondering
exactly what could be done with the emulation. Fortunately at that moment
Jim called to see how things were doing, and informed AMTL that the main
reason for running a Timex-Sinclair emulation was for the use of its
sophisticated Moose Cataloging software, Quirk MoosePress. Having heard
this, AMTL realized what a complete waste of time this whole project was
and went out for a couple of beers.
For those who wish to run Quirk MoosePress, the IMPLANT will be a valuable
addition to their system. For those dumb enough to buy a card based on
claims it will eventually emulate every pocket calculator on the planet, it
keeps the company in business. For those who think they're a pink elephant
with 5 legs and a cancerous pimple on their butt, get some help! For AMTL,
its another week's pay goofing off with cool hardware. Until next time,
this is AMTL signing off!
Thank you, AMTL, for yet another moronic, inane and gratuitous review.
It's good to know they serve their purpose as a front to get me neat
hardware. And I guess that about wraps things up for A.M.I.G.A. as well,
since its now 24 hours past my deadline, and I still have to run Jim's kid
back home. Stay tuned next week for another exciting AMIGA, the only
article that dares to eat that little fat cube in the can of pork n beans!
Oh, but first...
QUOTES FROM THE MICROSLOTH QUOTE FILE:
"Hey, why does my chair keep shocking me?"
-Bill Gaits, last week