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/// Another Moronic, Inane and Gratuitous Article
by Chad Freeman
(firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com -- Internet)
(cfreeman -- BIX)
Hi folks! Yes, its time for another AMIGA, brought to you this week by
Micro Chips, the crunchiest potato(e) chip to ever grace a hackers desk!
Tired of eating those soggy potato(e) chips, just because they've been
sitting under a pile of disks for 2 months? Well now you can leave those
ant-infested potato(e) chips behind, because Micro Chips are GUARANTEED not
to go stale for up to 5 months! That's right hackers, if you accidentally
leave those chips under your latest printout of BlazeMonger II: The
Apocalypse, and find them 5 months later, they'll still be as good as the
day you first bought 'em! What's our secret? Silicone coating! That's
right, each and every chip is coated with a layer of silicone to preserve
that crunchiness we all love in our chips! Hey, they may taste like
something your dog regurgitated in the back yard after going through your
neighbor's trash, but we coat them with so much salt you'll never be able
to tell the difference anyway! So rush out to your local grocery or
software store and pick up a bag right away! Micro Chips, the ones with
Well, now that we've taken care of business (munch, munch) we can get down
to the _real_ business of another moronic, inane and gratuitous article.
Some of you (the three who actually read this stuff) may remember a few
weeks ago I promised to tell you the story of my rise to the level of Blue
Level Status Commodore Beta Tester. Well, since I can't think of anything
else to write about, this is the week I'll do it.
HOW I BECAME A BLUE LEVEL STATUS COMMODORE BETA TESTER
By Chad Freeman, age (mentally) 2.5
It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out. A dog barked.
The maid screamed. It was a _really_ lame TV show, so I decided to go
hack on my old trusty Commodore 64 for a while.
I decided to take a disk editor to my favorite piece of hacked software,
the Q-Link program disk. For those of you who don't know, Q-Link was
supposedly an on-line service, which you supposedly paid to use, but no-one
ever seemed to do. Anyway, I was busily modifying the Q-Link program disk
so it would write 'Elephants Eat Red Oak Leaves On Friday' (an unusual set
of circumstances that would be much too difficult to explain lead to this
combination of words being the most efficient for the task at hand) into
their entire file storage space (the first virus, _I_ think), when I
noticed a little piece of code that had been tucked away on track 60 of the
disk (disks only went to track 40 back then, but if one ran enough copy-
protected material on a 1541 disk drive, the gronking and grinding would
actually extend the physical dimensions of the drive as well as the parts
inside, leading to, in radical cases, a 50 track gain in disk space). It
was sitting there innocuously, but oddly enough, it seemed to be calling to
me to put it in action. So, being the teen-age hacker I was, I immediately
stuck a branch somewhere in the program to activate this hidden code. Then
I booted up and prepared for the worst.
What I found, however, was something entirely beyond my quite fertile
imagination! There, staring back at me from the screen, was The Lost City
Of Habitat! The screen was bathed in a golden hue as little LucasFilm-
style people ran around a city with streets of gold. But before I go into
more detail about this wonderful city, I must explain a bit more about
LucasFilm games had introduced Labyrinth, the game, which was greeted
with Lukewarm reviews. 'Interesting interface, but needs work.' Then came
Zak McCracken and the Alien Mindbenders, which got pretty much the same
reviews. But in the meantime, LucasFilm had begun a nasty rumor with
QuantumLink about a project called Habitat. Habitat was going to be the
first on-line virtual reality system anywhere. It was such a new and
radical idea, the word virtual reality didn't even exist. So anyway, they
made up some pretty pictures and a press release, and sent them out to the
major Commodore magazines (which included Commodore Magazine, Info, Run and
Compute! at the time), which obligingly printed it up, and the response was
_phenomenal_. People were signing up left and right, waiting for this
wonderful 'thing' where you could have a character and build whatever you
anted, like houses and amusement parks and toxic waste dumps, and have other
people from around the country come and visit and tear everything you built
down, and all kinds of neat stuff like that. It really was a fabulous
concept, and I still want to see something like it done to this day.
But unfortunately, what LucasFilm and Q-Link DIDN'T release to the press
was how they were going to achieve such a wonderful 'thing' on a computer
that could barely operate a toaster oven, and it is _this_ which led to
their downfall. Unfortunately for YOU, you'll have to wait until next week
to find out the _real_ story behind Habitat, because this story is...
TO BE CONTINUED!
And now for something completely different; the joke of the week!
Q: So just what part of Bill Gates anatomy does 'Micro Soft' refer to,
Well, its time for my dog's electrolysis appointment again, so stay tuned
next week for the exciting conclusion of HIBABLSCBT (pronounced 'ack!') in
AMIGA, the only column that dares to tear off the tags on your mattresses.