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/// Another Moronic, Inane and Gratuitous Article
by Chad Freeman
(firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com -- Internet)
(cfreeman -- BIX)
Greetings, fellow Amigoids! Well, your fearless leader (or rather his
computer) was off to parts unknown last week (a word of advice: never buy a
cheap surge protector from K-Mart), so your usual AMIGA was replaced by
something even more inane, I'm sure. But have no fear, your jester is back
with some more comic relief for your dull and dreary lives (who needs the
comedy channel, right?). And this week we start off, as promised, with my
hand-picked winner of the FAPLEAMIGAC (First and Probably Last Ever
A.M.I.G.A. Contest, pronounced 'bleh!'). Coincidentally, our winner was also
our only entrant. Oh well, that's why it was 'probably last ever,' of
course! But anyway, let us set the stage for our fair author. After our
fearless hero was shown the wonders of Amiga Park, the scene cut to Nerdy
faxing the schematics for Amigas everywhere, and eventually being faxed
himself. And so we begin, with:
* DAN LINDER'S * <- ( name in lights)
Amiga Park, the Final Chapter
Suddenly, a call. The phone, connected through a GVP PhonePak 2000+ to
an Amiga, answered.
"Hello, you have reached Amiga Park. In the classic tradition of the
Amiga community, we are late in opening. Please call ba..."
Beebleflats tore the phone from the receiver.
"Hello, who is this?" he asked.
"This is that guy with the Arab name (I can't remember it, either...) and
I'm being attacked!!!"
"Hold on, start from the beginning..."
"Well, you remember when Irving electrocuted himself?"
"Yeah, that was pretty funny...." Beebleflats chuckled to himself.
"Well, he didn't die! Somehow, using spare C64 and A500 parts, he
constructed an exoskeleton for his demented mind and turned himself into...
G O U L D Z I L L A !!!!" he shouted, with a tone of panic in his voice.
"I knew he wouldn't just die or move to the Bahamas! All right, I'll
bring my team of engineers at once. But, you must promise me something!"
"Anything! Do you hear me, ANYTHING!!!"
"Alright, you must promise to give me back the net worth of Commodore at
closing, you know, the $0.12?"
"Do you know how much that is in post-Clinton, now Perot times? That's
almost too much to spend on my life! But all right, I'll give it to you!
Just hurry!" There was a click, and the Amiga enthusiasts were on the move.
"Into the helicopter, NOW!" Beebleflats shouted.
Once at the site of Gouldzilla's rampage, the Amigans quickly remembered
that it is easy to destroy a Gould. Pulling out a $1.00 bill, they taunted
him until he followed them, straight into the ocean, electrocuting himself
all over again.
Later, with a great deal of reservedness, that guy with the Arab-sounding
name handed over the $0.12, which was found to be worth
$0.1E100000000000000 in 1993 Clintonian money. Such was the rebirth of
Amiga, and they spread all through the land, confirming that age-old
suspicion... Amiga had found a way.
/* The End */
Thanks Dan, for as wonderful an ending as I originally wrote (of course!),
however unrelated to Jurassic Park it may have been. But alas and alack, the
time has come to move on to other things...
There was a hot new terminal program released last week, and your friend
the Official Blue Level Commodore Beta Tester was able to preview in time for
this article. No, I'm not talking about Terminus from Radigan, but rather
Terminally Ill from the Foo Brothers. This terminal program is so
outstanding, it will replace all terminal programs on any platform forever.
I mean, even His Nerdness Bill Gates will buy an Amiga just to use this
program! And why is that? Well, if you've tried Terminus, you know its a
wonderfully flexible program, but BOY is it a pain in the arse to configure
properly! Well, with TI configuration is no longer a problem. TI uses
emissions from the joystick port of your lowly Amiga to actually read your
neural emissions, and actually configure itself based on what it reads from
your brain (WARNING: avoid this procedure if drunk, and don't even THINK
about it if on hallucinogenic substances!). Yes, that's right folks, your
entire directory will be inputted into the program, along with your
passwords, choice of screen colors, and anything else you can THINK of (get
it)! And operating the program is just as easy; you simply think about who
you want to call, what you want to do, etc., and it does it ALL
automagically! How's THAT for convenience (and you thought handles on toilet
paper packages was going too far!). That's right folks, you'll never have to
worry about ANY of those annoying things that go along with
telecommunications again; typing endless password sequences, remembering
complex menu structures, the program does it all. 'Well, how much memory
does this take?' you ask. Well, using sophisticated memory management and
compression techniques such as MPIG 3.2, TI actually takes NEGATIVE memory!
That's right, TI actually ADDS anywhere from 50 to 100k to your memory pool
while running! How's THAT for efficiency! 'So where's the hitch,' you
wonder, and rightly so. Here it is: the shareware fee. Its rather steep at
$7000 (seven thousand) dollars, and unfortunately if you DON'T register the
program will give you steadily more violent bodily seizures until you turn
into jell-o (lime, of course). I have seen it happen, its not pretty. But
all in all, I'd say its WELL worth the money, especially since as a Blue
Level beta tester I paid not one red cent for it!
Ah well, the time has come again to be going. Of course we leave you with
the Joke of the Week (now in capital letters!)...
Guy 1: Why did you build a house without windows?
Guy 2: Bill Gates threatened to sue if I did.
Let me remind you all that if you have a submission for The Joke of the Week,
write it in and, if I like it, I'll put it in and mention your name.
And with that, adieu and adios, hasta la vista, bon voyage, and aloha! Tune
in next week for another exciting episode of A.M.I.G.A., the only article
that dares you to explain exactly why there's so many slow schools out