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/// Another Moronic, Inane and Gratuitous Article
by Chad Freeman
(email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org -- Internet)
(cfreeman -- BIX)
This week, instead of the (un)usual AMIGA, I've decided to once again
slack off in my work. Since I have now slacked off on exactly half the
articles which I've supposedly written, I suppose this type of column is
just as normal as the other type (whatever that is). Well, anyway, in
the interest of being lazy, I now present you with a short story by Oswald
Crichton, little known brother of the author of Jurrasic Park, the book about
money-grubbing people made into a movie for real-life money-grubbing people.
Anyway, here it is.
by Oswald Crichton
The science of chaos is a fashinable theory which tries to describe the
instability in systems. For example, if you flick a booger at the wall, it
will hit a different spot each and every time, because minute variations make
major changes as a system progresses. After all, when butterflies fart in
North Dakota, President Clinton uses the bidet instead of toilet paper. Or
something like that. Look, it doesn't really matter, because unlike in my
well-known brother's opus, chaos has very little to do with the story (or
everything, if you believe chaoticians). So lets get on with it.
The time is the year 1999. Amigas have been extinct for 4 years, and the
world has completely forgotten they existed. Irving Gould was long ago
electrocuted while trying to interface his Norelco razor with his Juicemaster
in parallel. The guy with the arab-sounding name, upon inheriting the empire,
quickly closed the company and liquidated, and received the company's net
worth of 12 cents, before tax. The wonderful Amiga computer quickly faded
from the minds of even its most stalwart supporters. All except one.
Sugdub Beebleflats, in 1996, began soliciting funds for his start-up
corporation, Computer Amusements, Inc. (CAI). After many unsuccessful
attempts, he found his funding in a group of Meditteranean investors willing
to take a gamble at the company. For many years Sugdub and his employees
worked in secret, and since much money had been spent, the investors wanted
outside opinions as to the feasibility of the project, so Beebleflats called
on certain individuals for a position paper.
When Dr. Giant arrived on Isla Bibliotecha, he was astounded by its sheer
beauty. The telephone lines were all fiber-optic, the transportation
completely automated, and there was a hook-in every 5 feet. Oh, and the
scenery was ok, too. Dr. Giant immediately turned to Beebleflats and said,
'What the hell are you doing here?'
'I have purchased all that remained of Commodore-Amiga, and I have created
this wonderful park in order that the children of the world can come to enjoy
it, for only a few hundred a pop!'
And then Dr. Giant stepped into the first building, and he was so amazed
he almost cried! There they were, hundreds of Amigas, running the coolest
software ever to be seen! There were virtual reality games with HDTV
graphics, and interactive moview where you actually acted and were responded
to by the computer characters, and that was just the first two areas! The
park was over 10 square miles large, and, acoording to Beebleflats, every inch
was covered with the most technically advanced computer equipment and software
on the planet.
But Ian Millcone wasn't as impressed. 'Don't you see what you're doing
here, Beebleflats? This technology is the most powerful thing in the world,
and you're trying to contain it in one park. Computers find a way,
Beebleflats, computers find a way!'
'So you're saying what? The Amigas will migrate?'
'No, just that this technology will not be contained. You brought back
something none of us have heard of in years, and you expect it to be tamed.
It will not happen.'
'But,' Dr. Wuwu said, stepping in, 'what about the meltdown contingency?'
'The what?' Dr. Giant said.
'I've mechanically engineered the Amigas to have poor cooling properties.
If they aren't kept at a constant 68 degrees, they will meltdown and be
'Aha,' Dr Giant said, 'Now what have you to say to that?'
'Life, I mean Amiga, will find a way.' said Millcone.
Just then the lights went out. Everyone scittered around, nervously
finding their way to the exits. As they were about to leave, the lights came
back. 'Check the tracking system!,' Beebleflats yelled to Nerdy, the computer
operator. But Nerdy was gone. 'Now where the hell is he?' said Beebleflats.
Nerdy walked up to the fax machine, and began faxing the blueprints for
the Amiga systems to Mark Benito in Coalsack, PA. He stood there for many
minutes, nervosuly feeding the machine and trying to prepare the envelope
which would contain all of the wonderful programs for the Amiga.
Unfortunately, just as he slipped the last sheet in, the fax machine went
bezerk and began sucking his hand through the machine. No one is sure what
happened to him, but he's been seen in Egypt, Australia and the Netherlands.